I missed school today, on pretence that I was sick. Actually I was just depressed and had to stay home to avoid breaking down at school and crying about how tragic my life actually is. Felt rather low today, but still in a good mood. It’s somewhat like a bittersweet kind of feeling. I’m bound by rules, regulations and not left to live life the way I really want. Why should I go to school and learn fuck that I’m not interested in to please god knows who? My mother sympathizes with me and knows that I’m actually not very happy about everything and that she says to just slog it off for half a year more and take the o levels, then I can go off overseas to study pre u or that I go to poly. Never RJC. Never. It’s not that I’m not fortunate and not grateful that I am actually pursuing an education, however, all I really want to do is really not school.

I begin to get even more depressed when I think to myself what if I died there and then. My life’s aspirations and dreams would never be realized. I want to help others, the poor, see the world and volunteer. I absorb myself doing dumb things and wallowing in material goods when I actually do not need to. But why? It’s just to make myself feel important. Everyone in school is as lowly as the other. Everyone knows the same stuff and is, in the true sense of the word, identical. Am I just going to be processed and manufactured only to become a can of luncheon meat like everyone else? I have to be subjected to it. I just have to, and it’s beyond my control. At the end of this year is my chance to escape. And I will. I will go do what I enjoy, and help others along the way. Yes, that’s what I want to do. There’s just so much more I want to do than to spend all my waking hours at school. It’s just not right for me.

My behavior is indeed erratic, my actions unpredictable. I apologize for being vindictive, diabolical and mean. I’m clearly frustrated and myself, other people and the government, Singapore. It’s just a channel for my angst to be released that’s all. Somehow, I just seem so caught up, in work, school that I just don’t give a fuck about other people, anything else. I’m making this world a worse place for others, essentially, as schoolmates, others are doing to me. Is this really what I want to do? Am I enjoying myself putting people down? It’s just that I really don’t have the time, energy to give a fuck. Really. It has to stop. My teachers are kind and really dedicated, but I don’t wish to learn no longer, at least not for now. I need time. For myself. I’ll find a place I can run to, somewhere I can be appreciated for who I am, and betaken for what I’m worth and not at face value. Everyone takes me for face value here. Everyone. It’s not them it’s Singapore. Carry on then, polarize me. Go on…It’s only and matter of time before I leave, for good. Then your society will be rid of ills, once again. You don’t have to issue me death threats any more, yes, I am a rebel, but I’ll leave anyway, I assure you. Just give me more time, and I’ll go packing…for a better place, where I can help myself, others, and enjoy myself and not be subjected to this kind of mother fucking abuse. I HATE IT.

Whoever is reading this, please be assured that I’m not going to kill myself.