Miss Singapore Universe was not that bad after all. I had a good laugh. I sat down with my mother, Randall and Reuben to watch it.

The first comment came from me when I said that if I were a woman, I’d wear the flowery fairy skirt Noraliza Osman was wearing in the expose segment. (To concerned beings, I’m happy being male. Thank you) It was just so beautiful, kind of Andy Warhol pop art-esque.

Then came other less amiable comments such as how Andrea De Cruz was probably marking everyone down in the swimwear section because she can no longer wear bikinis with that stupid scar. They should have introduced her as Andrea De Cruz, Slim 10 Survivor and made her present the Miss Slim and Sleek sash. It would be so funnily diabolical. She bore a striking resemblance to Miss Havisham in Pride and Prejudice, with that black lacy top, hair pulled back into a clean chignon and coupled with a really frumpy looking emerald skirt. Her face was also pale and gaunt. Was it an attempt to make her look sicker? I wonder.

Also, the legs of some girls were moh-peng (scarred), according to my mother. I spotted a rather cheena one with one sagging boob and one perky one. Disunity indeed. I thought the shoes they were given were just plain ugly $9.90 strappy heels bought from OG and that the dresses were not pretty indeed.

If I were the organizer, I’d do the following:

1. First and foremost, I’d make Marilyn Tan the winner.
2. I’d dump the girls with US$800 Manolos and Jimmy Choos as footwear.
3. I’d give the girls Gucci by Tom Ford gowns. Timeless.
4. I’d shower the girls with Cartier jewellery
5. Make Tata Young Miss Thailand.
6. Invite Simon, Paula, Randy, Christy Cheung, Vicky Zhao, Rosamund Kwan, Michelle Yeoh, Tyra Banks, Bernice Wong, Noraliza Osman, Carol Cheng, Darren Seah, Hsu Chun Mei, Beyonce, the catwalk diva in next top model, the make up artist Jay Manuel and Abigail Chay to judge, oh yes, and Tata Young (Beeeaaauuutiful).
7. Have Ryan Seacrest and Shi Ann Huang to host.
8. Losers are winners too. They win an extreme makeover.
9. The winner gets a contact to make the next “The Simple Life”, a Volkswagen Beetle and an editorial stint in US Vogue. A penthouse in The Linear comes with it too and front row invites to the Paris Fashion week, plus US$1m Paragon vouchers.
10. Winner and runners up also get first class tickets and an opportunity to Rock with Beyonce and make another Pepsi commercial. Also, a hosting contract with MTV and an opportunity to do a full scale concert.
11. Have more awards like Miss Congeniality, Miss Understood, Miss Interprepation, Miss Demeanor, Miss Adventure, Miss Fat and Ugly, Miss Sweet and Sour, Miss Young And Foolish, Miss Pride and Prejudice, Miss Proud and Perky, Miss Small and Humble, Miss Bootylicious, Miss Sexy Naughty Bitchy, Miss Diva, Miss Ditsy, Miss Independent, Miss Conception, Miss Dumb as a Doorknob, Miss Ironing Board, Miss Washing Board, Miss She-Devil, Miss Sluttish, Miss Bitch, Miss Cellulite, Miss Taken, Miss Spelled, Miss Voluptuous, Miss Glutus Maximus, Miss Slow, Miss Ing, Miss India, Miss China, Miss Eurasia, Miss Malay, Miss Popiah, Miss Thighs, Miss Daddy Long Legs, Miss Porn star, Miss Disillusion, Miss Delusional, Miss Spare Tires, Miss Ample Ass, Miss Indecent, Miss Bimbo, Miss Kang Mar and finally, Miss Piggy!